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I had a revelation today! Well that sounds a bit more transcendent than it actually was, but nonetheless it’s made me far less grumpy.
On Elderwomanspace (a private online network I’m part of) I described, in response to a writing prompt, my negative feelings about Christmas. It wasn’t an invitation to sympathy, but an attempt to set out how as a single person I’m happy with spending the Christmas period by myself. Here is part of what I said:
… I’ve never figured out how to do an adult Christmas, and my guilty secret is that I don’t actually care… Christmas is, after all, supposed to be a time for family, and although mine is dwindling as people die, I’m very lucky not to be completely family-free. Christmas is a time of huge symbolism and ritual in my Christian faith (although it’s years since I believed in a literal interpretation), and yet I can’t bring myself to care much about that, either.
I think that the way Christmas has evolved leaves single people without a discernible role… I really love time to myself and for me the greatest gift of Christmas is all those quiet days strung together when others are busy with their own lives. But there are so many “shoulds” around Christmas: it’s supposed to be a time for family, you should get together with friends, you should go and enjoy carols at midnight mass. Sitting alone with your feet up reading a book is seen by others as sad, not enjoyable. I’ve been known to invent social events just to put people off the scent.
And maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong about all this. Maybe there is a way I could stop scowling at carol singers, glowering at small children and feeling superior to drunks. Maybe I could find a way to enjoy Christmas instead of trying my hardest to pretend it doesn’t exist. Bah humbug!!
In response to what I wrote, my lovely friend Marian shared this:
…I had an insight about this, some years back. Although I was totally happy with my own freedom from the whole Christmas thing, I still used to get that intense, bah humbug grumpiness too, starting early in December and lasting till around Boxing Day. Then it dawned on me that it was not really mine. There is a huge wave of stressful, tense energy that surges through the collective unconscious at this time of year, and if you are sensitive to energies – and you are not personally caught up in all the frenetic preparations – you pick it up…
She’s absolutely right! I’ve only felt this intense grumpiness since I stopped trying at Christmas. I consciously wanted to have a simpler time with fewer trappings, and to do and think far less about it. So my own simpler life has given space for the collective stress and expectations of others to seep in.
And what I’ve done in my grumpiness has been to throw the sacred baby Jesus out with the commercial bathwater. Poor little thing!
Not for the first time, I’m very grateful for the opportunity this online life gives to connect with the wisdom of others.
Elsewhere:
Christine quotes beautiful words: an invitation to be midwife to God. And right back at the beginning of Advent I was envying Macrina Wiederkehr’s quiet monastic “staying put” approach to Christmas.
By the way, Elderwomanspace is, as the name implies, an online community for woman well past the first blush of youth in which we share wisdom, politics, ideals, issues around ageing and anything else we fancy. It works a bit like Facebook but it is invitation only and password protected. If it sounds like something you might like, drop me a line via the contact page above.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
The Pollinatrix 12.20.09 at 4:19 pm
I must say, it’s difficult to picture your lovely face “glowering at small children.”
As you may have read in one of my recent posts, I tend to be one of those Christmas junkies that you would want to scowl at, and yet I do still relate to this post. I especially get the part about absorbing the negative “spirit” of Christmas. For me, it’s usually just the stress and rush that I’m affected by, but this year, I’ve been finding myself in periods of deep sadness, which I know are largely influenced by some sort of compassionate solidarity with others who are sad at Christmas.
I’ve been irritated by this development, that it’s messing with my own Christmas joy, but I recognize that my deeper self has chosen it because without it, my own Christmas joy becomes narcissistic.
Or something. I’m working this out as I’m writing this comment, so forgive me if it doesn’t make total sense.
Sue 12.20.09 at 9:16 pm
Ahhh, Tess. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for this liferaft to climb onto
I’m feeling numb about the whole Advent thing this year. I just want it to be over.
Tapping into the energy of the collective unconscious – haven’t thought of that. Sounds like you could be onto something. The levels of sadness this year are so high. Oh, how sad for us people that so many of us feel this way at Christmas!!!
I must admit, I am really looking forward to Boxing Day
Barbara Anne 12.20.09 at 11:42 pm
Oh dear… is this what’s happened to me? I have wondered for years why the carols, the wrapping paper, the fun of choosing a gift you’re sure will please, the ornaments from family now gone, and the other decorations just haven’t quite gotten me “there” as it used to. I supposed what was missing was the month-long glorious anticipation of childhood and reflected at school with construction paper chains and since the boys grew up, there is no wild joy in the house.
This year for the first time, I’ve gone a bit hog wild with decorating in hopes that with “do it” and get me “there”. I’m ready and have been wondering what I’ve forgotten. Is the deep collective sadness seeping inside me? Ah ….. is there room for me on the life-raft?
I will say that Mannheim Steamroller’s Christmas CDs (the older ones) really get me going for the short term.
Hugs!
rebecca 12.21.09 at 1:53 am
I have been reading and speaking to so many people lately who are feeling much the same things Tess. I am so glad that you have found a good balance for what you want in your Advent/Christmas season and also that you keep adjusting to your relationship with it. I happen to be a person who just can’t understand why everyone doesn’t LOVE Christmas. And when I say Christmas I mean carols and Santa and Christmas trees and snow and presents and cards and parties and Christmas Eve service and making our lists and sitting in front of the fire in the glow of the Christmas tree. The whole thing. But I realize that somehow, even with doing most of the “stuff” that accompanies Christmas, there is no frenzy for me, no stress. Part of it is certainly the choices I make, but it doesn’t seem like all of it. It just seems “gentle” to me. But, what I was trying to get at is that it is really helpful for me to have insight from wise voices about other ways to experience this season and also to maybe not experience at all.
Love….
P.S. I agree with Polli about your lovely face.
Kel 12.21.09 at 3:01 am
Tess, the cat photo and quote is hilarious, and summarises some of my Dec feelings too. May I add that couples who don’t have kids, face similar ‘bah-humbugs’ about xmas . . .
The supposed ’shoulds’ of the season are I believe what puts pressure on people, depression on people, and whips society into a frenzy of keeping up ‘appearances’ lest one appear scroogy, anti-social etc.
In case anyone wondered re Sue’s ref to Boxing Day, it’s an Australian Public Holiday the day after Xmas . . . and no, we don’t get out the gloves and have punchups!!! Despite the fact that many might feel like it after a few days with family……
http://goaustralia.about.com/cs/eventsfestivals/a/boxingday.htm
Barbara 12.21.09 at 3:59 am
I feel almost catatonic this Christmas. I can’t even get up the energy to tidy up my place. I have minimized my decorations these last few years — no tree, a wreath on the door, a creche, a few ornaments hanging here and there, the angel Isabel that used to sit atop my tree and that’s about it. I will join up with the sister and brother who live next door for dinner — I’ll bring dessert, wine and the cranberry sauce (which is a specialty). I will go to “midnight” Mass with the reveillon (party) that follows, come home and have a drink, and sleep in. I really enjoy the quiet and being out of the swing of things. It is so deliciously peaceful when everyone else is so busy elsewhere. I will buy a few presents and receive next to none. I don’t need anything anyway.
So have a really peaceful Christmas, Tess. Nothing Scroogy in that.
BTW, someone I know bought a goat as a Christmas present for someone because of the suggestion I made at church. And it all started with you!
Sue 12.21.09 at 8:27 am
Oh, yeah, I forgot Boxing Day is not universal. Thanks, Kel, for being the cultural interpreter
Tess 12.21.09 at 10:34 am
Hey, thanks all for the comments, and anyone who wants to climb aboard the life raft is more than welcome – room for everyone!
And I’ve learned both that Boxing Day is not universal and that the name doesn’t have some obscure religious significance I’ve never bothered to check into. I guess we must have sent the tradition over to Aus with all our unwanted convicts, Sue and Kel
Pollinatrix, thank you for your honesty and good humour in saying you don’t want your own Christmas affected – the comment about it being potential just narcissism is a very good observation. And believe me, I can glower with the best of ‘em!
Rebecca you make a really good point that for those who enjoy it, Christmas preparations are fun, not stress, and I guess I do kind of wish I could feel a little of that fun, rather than being as catatonic as Barbara describes. And B, I’m so pleased that goats are on the menu this Christmas, so to speak. Thanks for letting me know.
claire 12.21.09 at 2:05 pm
While a mother and grandmother, and looking forward to spending this Christmas ‘en famille,’ I find that I am out of the shopping race. I am delighted that my grandsons are into decorating. I would like to find a way to bring in the ‘Spirit of Christmas,’ the fact that Jesus chose to be born in the poorest possible place — both literally and figuratively (as in my heart). But I cannot spring that on them at the last minute. So I have to reflect on how I can integrate this in our lives in the course of the year.
So nice to find you back at your blog, Tess.
diantha 12.21.09 at 4:09 pm
Tess, your post made me smile….Being a “bit older” than you, I’ve certainly “been there, done that”. I put out one Christmas decoration this year. ONE! This from a woman who just about killed herself every Christmas doing everything she ever heard of in an attempt to be the perfect Mom, daughter, daughter in law, sister, sister in law….well, you get the picture. As I let go of things over the years I found myself enjoying the season more, but truly, I can’t get excited over it except when seeing kids enjoy it so much. Other than that, I’d be happy to join you propping up my feet, reading a good book, and letting the world go crazy on its own, thank you very much! Great post. I think you speak great truth here! Loved the photo too….PURR-FECT! xo
Tess 12.21.09 at 5:13 pm
claire: it’s difficult getting that balance, isn’t it? I hope you have a wonderful time with your grandsons. I’m just back from my small pre-Christmas food shop (a few extra goodies) and I was staggered by the mountainous shopping trolleys in the store. Heaven knows what it will be like on the 23rd and 24th – I shall not be there!
diantha: I love your ONE Christmas decoration. Congratulations on your journey from perfectionism – are you a recovering Christmasaholic I wonder?! I have to say it is great when kids enjoy it – without getting completely over-excited and breaking all those expensive new toys in the first half-hour.
lucy 12.26.09 at 8:42 pm
tess, i love this post. sue speaks of it as a life raft. yes. no. there are layers and layers here all touching a part of my own heart and wow… me being one with lots of family, too. as we were driving to christmas eve service, i commented that it really didn’t feel like christmas and the car load asked “why”. i replied… because i haven’t felt stressed out enough. hmmm. what is this thing we call christmas? and how “should” we celebrate it?
Elizabeth 12.28.09 at 8:29 pm
Hello Tess, I’ve been led to your website via Hermitage! And am so warmed from your post re: Christmas. A a single woman 42 with no children and no close family. And not a christian but { or I could say ‘and’}spiritual/Pagan I too spend this time on my own. And struggle not to feel the pressure of shoulds and not to fall onto blame. I have a rich and abundant life with friends. But at this time of year I have time on my own when my friends are with family. And I wish I could be in a space where you are at this time of year ~ in balance and able to put these outside pressures in persective. As Sue echoes re: collective unconscious frenzy and ’should’s are so spot on.
To read your and other’s posts is heartening. Thank you. Another person for this raft!
Tess 12.28.09 at 9:17 pm
lucy: you made me smile with your nor being stressed out enough! I’m glad.
Elizabeth: welcome aboard the raft!! Thanks so much for your comment and for sharing these thoughts. I’m going to go and explore some of the words on your blog, which having had a quick peek at, I suspect I shall enjoy.