Have you ever felt like you’re two or more different people? That you have a compelling alter ego? The last 24 hours has been a bit like that for me.
I sometimes use a site called Pray as You Go. (I know, the name’s dire, but the site is good!) It combines music and voice to provide a meditation on one of the relevant daily readings from the Christian liturgy. Generally, using this site first thing in the morning allows me to start the day quietly and with positive energy. Yesterday was different.
The reading was Matthew 14:13-21, the famous Gospel story of the feeding of 5,000 people with just a few loaves and fish. The meditation was led by a gentle voice I hadn’t heard before: a woman with a soft, barely discernable Irish accent.
At the sound of that voice, my alter ego Angrychick leapt snarling out of her cage and began pacing around inside my head.
Why? Because that soft voice was a composite of all the despotic Irish nuns who taught at the school where I was educated, although without the edge of menace underlying the gentleness. It’s amazing, isn’t it, how voices (and smells) can evoke memories?
A male voice read the Gospel, then the female voice continued the meditation. As she observed that “Jesus liked to be with people, he liked it both for his sake and for their sakes”, Angrychick flicked her tail disdainfully. “You know that for a fact, bitch, do you?” The voice asked me to meditate upon my attitude to spending time with other people. Angrychick considered how deliciously crunchy their delicate bones might be. “Perhaps the Lord has something to say to me about how I might nurture, support and encourage people around me”, suggested the voice. “Perhaps the people around me should just go f…” Well you get the idea.
Ever since, Angrychick has been locked in a struggle with Goodgirl.
Now Goodgirl is the one who is nurturing, supporting and encouraging. She’s mostly the one who writes this blog. She’s not perfect: she likes to show off and because she’s very concerned with appearances she sometimes embroiders the facts. But her intentions are honourable and she does actually care about people.
Thing is, I really love Angrychick, she has such energy. Goodgirl is too sugary-sweet. She’s wimpy and ineffectual. She’s the accommodating Catholic schoolgirl who did what she was told. But although Angrychick’s taken Goodgirl out for a spin on the Harley several times over the years, she’s never yet managed to push her off into the path of oncoming traffic.
So how to merge Goodgirl’s compassion with Angrychick’s energy and power, that’s the task.
What’s your experience of this sort of thing? How do you reconcile different elements of your self?
Image (cropped by me) by Makeshiftlove
Elsewhere:
BlissChick is of course the person who has recently been naming different elements of being a stuckchick. You can read about it here. And lest we forget that growth is not only spiritual and psychological, Elaine has some reflections and lovely photographs, tempered with concerns about climate change.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, I TOTALLY get you here! Totally. It’s funny, the cycle of things. There is a part of me which I am trying to get to know better so that I can kill it. I call it Blob. He’s the watcher at my gates. He’s the psychotically overzealous inner critic who will not let me wake the next day and continue the story from where I last wrote it.
I find it really helpful to externalise these parts of myself while I’m in the process of integrating it further. Funny how paradoxical everything is. I really agree with what Blisschick wrote about how, when you say, “This is just who I am” you are demonstrating how stuck you are in past actions, how unfree you are. And yet in some ways, to say “This is just who I am” is also liberating for me in terms of accepting who I am, a necessary part on the way to change.
Good stuff! I totally can relate to Angrychick’s spunk and passion. Nice
Tess – it’s a pleasure to hear from “both” of you:) Yes, Angrychick does exist in me but I have to say that I do often just yell at the dog or my housemate before I commit to something in writing that I’ll regret. I do enjoy yelling at the television, radio, or even some Facebook entries from some of my so-called “friends” – yikes, politics does seem to bring out Angrychick in me when I am diametrically opposed to the lame brains with whom I chat sometimes:)))) How’s that for Angrychick – you brought her right up!!!!
xoxoxo
“But although Angrychick’s taken Goodgirl out for a spin on the Harley several times over the years, she’s never yet managed to push her off into the path of oncoming traffic”
Love it, Tess. What a wonderful image! Both Angrychick and Goodgirl resonate with me too and I agree with what Sue has to say about acceptance. They can both be useful in their own way. I like to reconcile them by imagining their more subtle manifestations as a kind of energy flow that I’m free to channel wherever it’s helpful. Angrychick on a subtler level is hot and powerful, whilst Goodgirl is cool and equanimous. They can coexist (in theory!) in my world and keep an eye on eachother. They can also teach eachother a thing or two!
oooh, I have recently discovered the PAYG resource and mostly love it
even though the acronym reminds me of taxes (here in Aus we have Pay As You Go tax deductions for employees)…….
but last week I got narky while listening to one of them too
i did not choose to reflect on what the ignition point was
just angrily turned the mp3 player off
personally I’d love to see a cartoon strip of angrychick and goodgirl at play
you’ve nailed an experience that is probably common to many women
i doubt men could even remotely relate
probably because the word bitch has never been used to describe them when all they were doing was standing up for their own rights
@Sue: I think you’re right about saying “this is who I am”. It can be with different intonations, so to speak. If we say it as an excuse not to grow, just putting it out there (I see myself standing with arms crossed and tapping a foot!) it ain’t good news, but incorporating those broken bits – including Blob the critic perhaps – is different. And yes, externalising is good. And more fun.
@SS: You go, girl!
@Sally: thanks for your comment, and yes that’s what I’m seeking, some kind of mutuality. I like what you say about energy flow.
@Kel: yes we have the same name for taxes. After I wrote this post, a dear friend emailed me separately referring to this experience as “Pray-as-you-snarl”, and I think that has to be my new name for it! I wonder what the cartoon strip would look like. I think goodgirl would probably be in something floral, while angrychick definitely has a red leather jacket. And maybe an Uzi…
I’m sure Goodgirl and AngryChick could have a really interesting conversation over a beer, a glass of wine, a green tea, or whatever catches their fancy!
Great blog, Thanks, Tess!
You bring back many memories, bring up many thoughts, thank you for that as well. A Gestalt moment, years and years ago, when I was six months pregnant and at a bio-energetic lab. An encounter with various selves during a Psychosynthesis workshop, again years and years ago.
Maybe what I like most of all in your story is the anger that surged up at the sound of a voice that reminded you of hard, harsh, scary times when you were a kid.
Huge hug.
Oh, Tess, this is wonderful.
So the issue is: how are you going to integrate your Shadow? Your Shadows have some major power and, it seems to me, some serious integrity of their own!
I wonder if the soft voice is not also annoying because it’s weak? The Goodgirl voice? (Not just the Nun voice.)
Women who sound like girls make me clench my fists; they totally bring out my AngryChick. When I hear Minnie Mouse coming out of the mouths of women, I want to smack them.
I want to scream — SPEAK FROM YOUR GUT!!!!! YOU ARE A GROWN WOMAN!!! OWN IT!
Oops…see AngryChick is Super Strong.
Hi Tess. I’m still mulling this one over in my mind, but yes, often I feel like the different aspects of myself are in conflict instead of working together. I’d also like to suppress a few of those chicks. Last week cranky, feeling-sorry-for-herself chick kept intruding. Finally I just laughed at her.
I have to confess this post made me smile (especially Angry Chick’s words remark about delicious, crunchy bones) as well as reflect.
Well, obviously I’m still in the mulling stage because I just deleted a dozen versions of the couple of sentences. And now the 13th. Arggggh.
So I’ll end with a thank you — and it’s not simply my Polite Chick speaking because you mentioned my post
Thank you for sharing not only your insights but also your struggles — which are _our_ struggles — in this safe, welcoming place.
oh my, i am laughing my head off here, because need you even ask “Have you ever felt like you’re two or more different people?” two people?!?!? it’s a freaking party inside here
very interesting how we are triggered. there is something about polite chick that sends me through the roof. (sorry elaine, i know it has NOthINg to do with you!!!!!)
there is something incredibly powerful and empowering about angrychick and all of those other really strong voices….maybe it’s because i was voiceless chick for so long. i would rather hear an angry authentic chick than one who speaks like minnie mouse
or says nothing at all.
so, if we were all in a room, how many people would be there?
minnie mouse!
that’s it
great descriptor there blisschick
re: minnie mouse…i once met a male blogger in person and he replied that he thought my voice would be higher. i responded with, “what? did you think i was a cartoon character?”…no minnie mouse for this deep-voiced woman
@Claire: I think a glass of wine would be best! Interesting to hear about your encounters. I’m not familiar with Psychosynthesis.
@BlissChick: yes, I have a similar reaction to women (especially of a certain age) who try to dress like little girls. Have you ever read “Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady” by Florence King. It’s a hilarious autobiography in which she tries to classify the girlie women at her ’50s high school. Her father suggests the word malkin (a Shakespearean word meaning woman of the lower orders) and although this isn’t quite right it becomes shorthand in her book for women who are afraid to be what they could be.
@Elaine: thank you for what you say, and no I don’t read it as PoliteChick (I have her too). And laughter is indeed great medicine – if you’re a Harry Potter fan you’ll know this works on a boggart!
@Lucy: yes, I have pretty much a party going on as well a lot of the time. I thought I’d start out gently just with these two characters! Interesting re what your male blogger said.
@Kel: thanks, yes Minnie it is!
Love this, Tess!
I have several voices inside, too, from LividWoman to CrankyChild, to PatiencePerfect, to Goody-two-shoes, and others who appear on occasion. I’m not diagnosed schizoid yet either!
I’ve just read a book titled “My Stroke of Insight” by Jill Bolt Taylor (did I get that name right? The book is back at the library) and she talks about her experience as a neuroscientist who had a stoke at age 37. Her left brain’s organized, schedule-keeping, knowledgeable voice was silenced for a long time by the stroke and her serene right brain’s soft, creative, caring, cosmicly-connected, we-are-one voice sustained her during her recovery. A very interesting book for those tuned in to their inner conversations!
Hugs to Tess the Good and AngryChick!
These are some fascinating comments! Thanks for the book recommendation, Barbara Anne. My library has that one in stock so I’m definitely gonna grab it next time I’m there
Barbara Anne, thanks for sharing your inners.
Jill Bolte Taylor did a fascinating TED talk about her stroke experience that I recommend to anyone. You can find it here:
http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html
Hi Ta for the link to Jill’s talk! That was amazing and I still have chillbumps.
Think I’ll try out my right hemisphere for a while! Peace, y’all!
Hi Tess,
Interesting that angry chick should come out when you are trying to practice your religion. That inner dialog is very funny. This chick seems to have a lot of energy but also creativity and humour…
So this is a glimpse of ‘Tess unplugged’ I think
I can really relate to angry chick. I have one too, and she has lots of energy, but is also destructive and irrational. Whatever the solution is, it’s not to simply suppress / repress. Well, we’re a work in progress.
Ellen
Ellen, thanks. For me, Angrychick is closely related to Contemptuouschick. She’s the one with the destructive energy that just sucks me in. We are indeed a work in progress!
The antidote to anger is forgiveness. Most of our anger, I believe, has selfishness at its root…my pride/feelings have been hurt, my plans thwarted etc. I acknowledge the anger and then make a conscious decision not to indulge it, and to offer it to God as an act of self-denial, asking for Him to fill me instead with His love, peace and forgiveness. Through this, God has brought much healing my way. I pray it will be the same for you, too
Abbot Christopher Jamison’s book, Finding Happiness has a wonderful chapter on anger…
Rosie xx
Strange. I would have said that an antidote to anger is self-understanding. I also think that injustice, or falsehood, lack of ethics, the structures of sin can be one reason of anger. Selfishness also, of course, but not only.
Forgiveness, of course, is wonderful. Forgiveness is a grace. It is something we can pray for. I remember Marshall Rosenberg saying that an incest victim had come to forgive her father after three years of therapy. Would you have called her anger ‘selfishness,’ Rosie?
There may be as many reasons for anger as there are persons. I know someone who gets very angry when she comes across stupidity.
Can one forgive stupidity or, maybe, ignore it?
To explain anger with ‘selfishness’ is to me an over-simplification which may have made me over-react
Hi RosiePosie, welcome to my blog and thank you for your comment. I have Abbot Jamison’s book, but it hasn’t yet reached the top of my reading list. I’ll look out for that chapter.
I’m glad you make the point that anger needs to be acknowledged; I believe terrible damage can be done by unacknowledged anger. I’m less certain about the question of “indulging” anger. If by this you mean abusive yelling and/or physical fighting, then yes I agree, but I think there’s another side to this. For example, all my life I’ve been afraid of conflict, and that’s made it very difficult for me to have honest relationships with people.
If you can tell a friend – reasonably calmly! – that their behaviour has hurt you or made you angry (their behaviour, not themselves, an important distinction) then you open the door to real dialogue and closeness. If you acknowledge the anger inwardly but never say anything, then you’re failing to share part of yourself with the other person.
I don’t entirely agree with you about the causes of anger, by the way. Much of it is about selfishness, but many people are dealing with real “heavyweight” abusive behaviour which goes far beyond thwarted plans. And then there’s the kind of anger which results from injustice etc.
Anyway, thanks again for taking part in this discussion – it’s really interesting to read all the comments and to think about this issue. I’m sure between us all we’re getting to the bottom of it!
Claire, you made your comment while I was typing mine, otherwise I would have included reference to it. The example of the incest victim is a good one, and the reference to self-understanding is very important. Thank you.
Of course there is a difference between righteous anger and anger which we go on to express sinfully. Jesus showed righteous anger against those who hurt/abused others. Being assertive and honest with people isn’t anger but a decision we may make when anger prompts us to think and then do something. But the world is also full of expressed anger which has created a violent and unhealthy society, and too much therapy involves expressing negative feelings instead of learning how to surrender them to God. Anger can be extremely destructive and nasty
I actually see selfishness as being at the root of most sin, going right back to Adam and Eve in the garden. Selfishness as in acting out of self-interest instead of being faithful to God. It is a difficult one, I agree and I am probably coming from a different place than some others here too.
Rosie xx
Sorry to say I have AngryBloke who resides alongside the calmer, more reasonable side of me. I have to keep praying and I really have to stay mindful to ensure that AngryBloke doesn’t get out of hand.
On Friday evening I was sitting in the theatre at Wellington College, where the last night show of the annual Baha’i Academy for the Arts was taking place. It was the second half of the show and I was sitting with members of the writing class I’d been tutoring – they were getting ready to read some samples of their work to the audience.
We were close to a small group of young people, who were chatting to each other, taking pictures of each other and clearly planning some post-show activity. I found myself getting angrier and angrier with the young folk, not least because I was anxious that my group should have an attentive audience for their readings.
One lad kept talking to the girl in the row in front of him, looking for texts on his mobile, getting up and going out and then returning. After some time of this and as the young man was going out yet again, I exclaimed “For God’s sake, boy” sotto voce (although it wasn’t so sotto). He must have heard, because he looked down at me as he walked up the aisle.
Generally these young people were a lot better behaved than most and were delightful to meet, and I knew it wasn’t doing me or them any good to become so angry inside at them. My reaction was not creative or helpful.
It would have been better to lean over and ask them not to talk while the show was on, but I knew that, angry as I was, I wouldn’t be able to do this in a civil manner.
Sad, really. Selfishness? I don’t know. Anger is sometimes justified, particularly when others are suffering injustice, but better to do something constructive. And better for the heart not to nurture anger – mindfulness, meditation, prayer can all help – as can a vigorous walk!
Thanks, Rosie, for your further comment, and I certainly agree about the destructive power of some anger.
Barney, your description of AngryBloke’s recent experience made me smile! I think your description of this sort of protective anger (towards your students) is a good one, with a good example. I certainly agree with your antidotes, perhaps especially the vigorous walk!