Failure is something we all succeed at sometimes. It’s good. We need to fail because that’s how we learn.
But sometimes we choose to fail. We invoke that other f-word, and make a choice about finishing something: reading the newspaper, watching the film, being in the marriage.
Earlier this week was the 100th day – the finish point – of the challenge BlissChick set earlier in the year, which was to keep up a daily practice for 100 days. I decided to write morning pages: the practice of writing three pages of longhand braindump first thing every morning. The idea is to clear your mind of the rubbish we all accumulate and so bring clarity and creativity to your day. (You can read my earlier posts on this experience here and here.)
I failed to get to the finish point. I found the first 50 days or so of this experience rich and enlightening, if often challenging (was I really that petty, that obsessive?). Then the experience became a grind. I stuck with it because I thought it was just a dry patch, but at about the 75-day mark I stopped. I read back over what I had written and realised that the experience had become arid. So I stopped. 20-30 minutes each morning is, after all, quite a big chunk of time.
So the question I’ve been pondering is how do we know? How do we know when something is finished, even if it isn’t actually finished?
Life coach Barbara Sher gives us this example of a ko’an (a Zen Buddhist riddle used to focus the mind) in her wonderful book What do I do when I want to do everything? (published in the US as Refuse to Choose):
Q: How long should you stay at something?
A: However long it takes to get what you came for.
Q: How do you decide what you came for?
A: You don’t, you discover it.
Q: How do you discover it?
A: You notice what isn’t there any more when you feel like leaving.
Now of course we can all imagine the reaction of the spouse we are deserting if we announce we are leaving because of a Zen riddle! And this brings us to another question: when is it more moral to continue? Perhaps the riddle helps there, as well, because if we can find out what isn’t there any more, maybe we can replace it with something better.
What do you think, when is it OK to admit something is finished even if it appears incomplete?
Image: mine
Elsewhere:
While we have the luxury of debating the meaning of words, Baha’i leaders in Iran have been in prison for more than a year on completely spurious charges, and young men in South Africa think it is acceptable to gang rape women and to carry out “curative” rapes on lesbians. You can read about the Baha’i leaders here (via Barney’s blog, which also has more in-depth information on Iran), and the situation in South Africa here. You’ll need a strong stomach.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed 
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Tess, this is the most amazing post. Thankyou. As someone who has a type A need to believe in the mantra, if a job’s worth doing, its worth doing well – and finishing – these words of yours are like a soothing balm to my soul today.
and yes, i can relate to the “elsewhere” put things in perspective note: someone we knew in the city died suddenly this week. She was expecting a baby, and got swine flu. She didn’t survive. The baby has, so far. Her husband is left to cope with raising a stepchild, a child of his from a previous marriage and two kids (one being the premmie baby still in hospital) on his own. The response of anger and injustice of this has hit me out of the blue – surprising me in it’s overwhelmingness.
and causing me to think about things labelled important, things I bust my gut to achieve, or live up to, or finish . . .
Interesting post ……….. a thought provoker. I’ve sort of zeroed in on things in the last year – things I really want to do do and I’m feeling a little more peaceful about realizing that I’m just NOT going to do some of those other things that I’ve sort of claimed to want to do in the past.
I’m reading more – articles, a novel, some re-reads and not feeling guilty about deciding that one of the re-reads was NOT worth re-reading:) and stopped in the middle. I’m watching more silly, romantic movies – just for the fun of it – the beauty of netflix! I’m painting what I want and not what I think others would like or EXPECT me to paint, I’ve taken up a new volunteer job a couple of hours a week and after contemplating it for so long, it feels so right for me and for those with whom I am interacting.
And elsewhere, oh my goodness, I’ve tried to hone in on those charities where I think my donations may make a difference and I try to listen to the words of unpleasant news in order to realize that yes, I am a part of all of this world, not just my block in my town, and in that realization finding my life is full of abundance – I am thankful to be able to share that abundance with those who have less. Thanks again, Tess!
You always make me think, Tess. I’m so deep into this one that I can’t even come up to answer
A good post, Tess. Thank you.
I began writing morning pages while reading Judy Cameron’s The Artist’s Way some years back. This was one of the things she recommended to do, along with an artist’s date — something I should resume really.
If I remember well, the point was not to look back, but just to write whatever came to my mind. I remember a friend of mine encouraging me, by telling me that once she wrote for an entire page something like “I’m constipated.” She was dry, indeed.
So I wrote, not trying to write intelligent, memorable, artistic stuff. But just be as plain as I might be. No one was ever going to see it. It was to overcome a writer’s block or maybe something else.
After a while, I noticed that I got deeper and deeper within myself and dared to write about ‘unspeakable’ topics. This became fulfilling. I also would use books by Joyce Rupp sometimes to give me themes.
Over the years, the writing pages have become my blog, in a way. But every so often I still write morning pages and then, of course, I have started a ‘shadows diary” to face what is driving me, or bugging me, or haunting me. These are ways to give myself time to express thoughts and emotions that might stay bottled up for who else than myself could be interested? Also by expressing them on paper I often realize that these thoughts are inhabiting me.
As to deserting a spouse, the thought has crossed my mind when the going was tough, but I always gave myself six more months. Usually by then it had become smoother sailing. It all got easier after the 25th anniversary somehow
you have hit upon many of my own personal topics in this one, tess. (i can’t imagine that surprises you
). i recently had an encounter (and am still in the midst actually) about when is enough enough. this time it has to do with a work/volunteer situation.
for me “knowing when it’s finished” is continuing the listen to my inner instincts and find when the joy, the pleasure, the however you decide to define the “positive” is totally overshadowed – consistently for a period of your own determination –then it’s finished. you get to choose. no one else, but you. you have to be satisfied with yourself. (i am writing “you”, but of course i mean “i” too).
sounds like you were done with morning pages. bravo. move on. the marriage thing is tricky ‘cuz there are so many others involved. it is one i have wrestled with. i like claire’s words of giving it time to see. if the smoother sailing never comes, maybe it’s time to move on.
ramble ramble ramble. this is how i write morning pages
“i write to discover what i know” flannery o-connor
@Kel: thank you for your words on perspective. This is something I struggle with – acknowledging my own fears and concerns, even though they seem small by comparison with, for example, the family you mention. There’s a temptation to think that our own concerns aren’t important unless they are apocalyptic, but they are, also.
@SS: it took me a long time to realise I could decide not to finish a book – re-read or not – if it wasn’t speaking to me. In fact it was a writer (Isabel Losada, who came to speak at one of our reading groups) who got me on to this, which would have been heresy to me at one time! And good for you at being guilt-free. I think all any of us can do is share our abundance, whether it be time, money or comfort.
@Sue: looking forward to any answer that comes up!
@Claire and Lucy: the marriage thing is a decision I have not personally had to make, I’m pleased to say. I also like the concept of time to see – it works with all kinds of things, so long as it doesn’t become drifting. I am still writing, doing more in the way of journalling rather than morning pages. And I’m beginning to feel again I may have something more to say, which I didn’t, for a long time.
Ah, Tess, this is wonderful news that you feel again that you have more to say, because for me it is so obvious that you have!
Somethings, I think, may not be entirely complete, but for that moment, we find we have accomplished as much as we can. These are things which at some later point, we resume and complete ~ i.e a book. As for a marriage, it’s wise to do nothing until the emotional monsoon has subsided. If it’s a good idea now, then it will still be a good idea later. Perhaps some make too hastely a decision to leave the marriage. I nearly did.
Thank you Claire.
Roxanne, I like your phrase “emotional monsoon”. Life is often like that, isn’t it?
Excellent and thought-provoking post, Tess. Thanks. It really is not always easy to know when something is finished or it’s time to finish. It can sometimes feel like disloyalty to acknowledge that the horse is dead and there’s no point in continuing to flog it!
Thanks for mentioning the situation of the Bahá’ís in Iran. The regime plays cat-and-mouse with the Baha’is (and others) with great cruelty.