Comments on: Are we too polite?

By: Barbara Anne

Barbara Anne — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 23:11:58 +0000

Hi Tess!

I love this post!!

Towanda and I are on the same page in these issues. I seem to remember Jesus reacting in a less than polite manner in throwing the moneychangers out of the temple. The church has forgotten its duty to stand up to injustice and not to be polite in the process.

By: Tess

Tess — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 20:19:49 +0000

@Elaine, you’ve certainly succeeded in making an ‘honest and articulate’ comment! You make very fine points about environment and motivation. I wasn’t really familiar with the role of a preceptor, which you mention, although I’d heard the term. Just Googled it and it sounds really interesting and responsible – I can certainly see the need for caution there. Thanks again.

By: Elaine

Elaine — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 18:05:25 +0000

Excellent, thoughtful, challenging post and question, Tess.

I’ve been struggling to write an honest, articulate comment for some time now. And I still don’t have a complete or satisfying (for me) answer to your question.

I don’t think we have to forsake politeness for honesty and vice versa but it’s tricky. I value both politeness, which I define as being respectful, and truthfulness. (I do not equate politeness with compassion and kindness). When communicating in “touchy” situations, I’m learning it’s important to consider the environment (public versus private), motivation (particularly when I’m providing feedback as a preceptor or when a friend ask for an “honest opinion”), and my own emotional state (the less said, the better when I’m angry, impatient or hurt). These considerations help me choose my timing, words and how much I talk versus listen.

I don’t know when dishonesty becomes “active” but I think it becomes “harmful” when someone will be hurt if we don’t tell the truth. At that point, despite our fears of being thought impolite or “not nice”, we need to speak up.

By: It’s all about ME!

It’s all about ME! — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:14:40 +0000

[...] My recent post on whether we’re too polite drew a great debate – thank you to all who contributed. I want to pick out something regular commenter kigen had to say about blogs: The worst thing about them is self-analysis, self-promotion and extensions from that, the supposed self-help for others. It makes sense of course, the self is free for the writer to plunder, constant daily content readily available, free of copyright. it is supposed that all anybody wants to read about is SELF-HELP, and so to draw in the reader there is all this advice for YOU to care about YOU, to advance YOU, on and on. Isn’t there some other topic bloggers would like to talk about!! And even when they address something outside themselves, they do very little research on the topic, it’s about their trip to the event, or their feelings about what someone wrote, or what THEY didn’t like about this, that, and another. How about some good journalism, real reporting, with no reference whatsoever to the author’s personal involvement in that topic? The age level of blogging is teeny-oriented it seems by its very nature. Can that be changed or not? [...]

By: Tess

Tess — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 14:27:17 +0000

Thanks Molly, Kel and Sue for your comments.
Sue, I logged in while eating my lunch and I nearly choked with laughter when I read your first comment – what a way to go that would have been! Yes, I think we all agree, the difference is in the intent, the terminology and the honesty.
I have to say I LOVE all you guys for commenting and making this such a fantastic discussion.

By: Sue

Sue — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 13:17:56 +0000

Wow, great comments. I love the teasing out the threads of courtesy and honesty. I guess the word politeness to me does mean “fake” in some ways. Respect and courtesy are a differnet bag entirely, and you can spot the difference 100 paces away. I get furious at rude people who make no bones about the fact that they don’t give a shit that I am in the same public space as them, that it’s all about them. What a bunch of spoilt brats we are these days.

LOL at Kigen. I guess that is the danger of blogging, isnt it. I do think the self-absorption is a bit of a backlash against having no real public forums where we feel like we make a difference. And blogging by its nature is much more communal. And of course, there is great support in the blogging world because in many respects it’s much easier to deal with each other because people are generally able to be more open hearted online.

But yeah, I agree. I have been thinking the same thing, that I am SICK of banging on about myself on my blog (even though that is definitely the nature of my writing style). But yeah, I am on a bit of a quest to go out and do some investigative reporting, seeing there is little of it in my newspaper, heh I think a lot of people are ocmfortable with blogging, but “reporting” is a different kettle of fish for them in their heads. They get silenced by the professionalism, the “real” writing, etc etc. When in actual fact I think there are tons of bloggers who are indeed very capable of doing such things.

Interesting topic, Tess! Sorry for vomiting on your comments

By: Sue

Sue — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 12:26:13 +0000

Fuck yes. We are too fucking polite

Okay, now I’m actually going back to read your post

By: Kel

Kel — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 08:39:46 +0000

well I’m lining up here to read Tess unplugged )
you go girl
it’s your blog and you can post whatever you want here

it’s been said that politeness is the most acceptable hypocrisy
of course, politeness is often called the lubricant of social etiquette
living somewhere in the middle of those two is perhaps the key

By: molly

molly — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 20:45:36 +0000

I’ve worked with this one alot in the past year. And I think if in anyway you stifle your truth by being polite, then it may be better to be honest, in a more direct way…

By: Tess

Tess — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 17:46:56 +0000

@kigen: I started typing a really long response to your interesting comments and questions. So long that it’s turning into a blog post, so keep an eye open for it in the next few days.
@Ellen: Interesting comment on not looking up, I hadn’t thought of that. I wonder if there are cultural differences on this as well. A long time ago, I had a ‘nodding and speaking’ relationship with a young guy who pretty much lived at the station I used every day. In two years I never gave him a penny, but we always used to say good morning to each other and sometimes exchange a few words. One day he just disappeared and I’ve often wondered what happened to him.