It’s been a strange break from writing here. Strange in that I haven’t missed it. I’m considering whether to continue, or whether this blog has run its course. I’m sure I’ll always be blogging somewhere, and involved in the online community, but I’m not sure about here. We’ll see.
Meanwhile, Magpie Girl wrote a post recently that I can’t get out of my mind. About anger. Yes, ANGER. Grrrrr…
Here’s an excerpt:
Anger, like pain, is a helpful thing. Just as pain signals that something is wrong within our bodies, anger signals that something is amiss in our souls. When I talk to my children about anger we often refer to it as “a cover-up emotion.” I ask them what the anger is hiding, and they can usually come up with an answer. Women who have grown up in the church are not so skilled at this … The next time you feel a surge of anger, ask yourself, “What is underneath this?” You might even try visualizing the anger as a stone. Then imagine yourself lifting up the stone, and see what is underneath. See if you can address that root issue. I bet you’ll be surprised at how skillful you are!
I love the photograph above, which I found at Flickr and which gave me the title of this post. I’m afraid of conflict and I find it almost impossible to express anger; it just leaks out, sometimes self-destructively, sometimes in unspoken contempt for others. Even writing these words, I want to go and stuff the feelings: with food, with alcohol, with distraction of some kind.
It’s like putting your hand over your mouth after swearing. “Oops! Gosh, sorry about all that jolly inappropriate anger there, hope no-one spotted it, wouldn’t like to embarrass anybody.” (Smiles ingratiatingly. Maybe giggles a little.)
Of course there are some kinds of anger that are acceptable even in the most conventional Christian circles. Righteous anger that thirsts for justice and effects change is an obvious example. But you’re not allowed to thump anyone. Although overturning a few tables and chucking money on the floor is probably OK.
God knows (I’m sure she does, actually) there are many things terribly wrong in the Catholic church. What a secretive temple to homophobic, misogynistic, hierarchical, narrow-mindedness I belong to. So far I’ve subscribed to the school of thought that bears witness for change and tries to work from the inside. For weeks on and off now, I’ve been drafting a post provisionally titled “Why I’m Still a Catholic”. I’m having trouble caring about it. Seems pointless.
(And even writing that pissed me off, because it will give ammunition to those who have no comprehension why I’m Catholic, or even Christian, and would be delighted if I “saw sense”. By which, of course, they mean come round to their way of thinking.)
There are times when I don’t want to be grown-up and analytical. I don’t want to put forward reasoned arguments about my beliefs or calmly “own” my emotions. I want to rend and tear and scratch and bite. Or at least stamp my feet a little bit.
And that brings me to something Rowena said in the comments to Magpie’s post:
Sometimes I think the creative and spiritual blog world wants everything to be shiny and pretty, too. It has to be all positive and supportive, without realizing that being pissy a little, that being critical can be more supportive than just saying that everything is wonderful. A debate might serve more purpose than fawning over how wonderful a blogger is. Authenticity over Perfection. Perfection is so destructive, in my opinion.
What do you think? Are we too shiny and pretty?
Image by switch 1010
Elsewhere:
Danielle at White Hot Truth has been having a monastic experience you can read about here. And I thought this little piece from Killing the Buddha was appropriate: Margaret Speaks Her Mind.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed 
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for a thought provoking post. Here is my 2pworth.
Anger is not wrong, sinful or evil. It’s what we do with it that matters. If we do not get angry about things like the BabyP debacle, then we exhibit a worrying detachment. But going and burning down the offices of the social services is not the right way to vent that anger. We need to use it as the fuel for something positive, something that brings about a positive change.
Nor do we need to please everyone all the time, least of all when we are righting a wrong. In the example you allude to, I’m sure there were many who were displeased by the way Jesus chose to express his anger. Yet he was perfect. Ipso facto, his way of expressing anger was not wrong.
Perhaps it’s time some of us learned a little more assertiveness. The tendency – as I see it – is passive compliance (with occasional forays into passive aggression) until we simply can’t anymore, then we explode with disproportionate aggression. Perhaps a little assertiveness from the outset would have served as a stitch in time?
Anger is my body’s way of telling me that something is up. My experience tells me that it’s a good idea to listen … even if I don’t understand the message!
From my work with the Enneagram, I’ve learned that anger often masks another emotion and when I sit with the anger, I find out what’s underneath. In my case, it’s often sadness. (Even in the case of Baby P.)
There’s a time and a place to be adult and rational – and a time and a place for my Inner Hooligan. Being shiny and pretty belongs to Hallmarkia, not to the real world. Anger is necessary and its imperfect expression is just as necessary.
For, in the words of Richard Rohr, “everything belongs”.
Thanks for the nudge to contemplation.
Well said, Tess. I’ve been thinking lots about how we, especially women, try to smooth out all the wrinkles all the tiime. I firmly believe in positive thinking, but I also know I need to be authentic and real. Sometimes that’s not so perfect and happy, and I’m starting to become more comfortable with that.
hence the stack of books on my table
It is honestly, totally true — I LOVE THIS BLOG!
Tess, glad to see you posting here again!
~ kigen
Karyn and CJ, welcome here and thanks for your comments.
@Karyn: I think you’re absolutely right with the thought of using assertiveness as preventative. I believe for those of us to whom it doesn’t come naturally, it’s a learned skill.
@CJ: You know of course I’m a big fan of Rohr (whose radical Catholicity is a shining beacon for me) and of the Enneagram, the insights of which continue to be enormously important for me. What I really LOVE about your comment is your phrase “Inner Hooligan”. Oh yes, I think I’m going to be stealing that one!
@Pam: “Smoothing out the wrinkles” – such an apt phrase, and something mothers do a hell of a lot I think. Some stuff came out about perfection in my morning pages today – perhaps the subject of another post.
@kigen: Your comment brought a big smile to my face. Thank you for the encouragement. And I’m really valuing your own blog posts.
But some people live their lives in anger. I wish there were a separate word for this type of anger. If anger comes on due to an external event, then it can be a sign that the event does not fit with our experience of the way things should be. I am happy that I have a place in this world, but some people don’t want ‘to be put in their place.’ Of course, when put this way, no one would. I think it is something internal, however, that leads a person to see their place from one of those two perspectives. Anger that arises from the way we see events – anger that arises from the way we see ourselves.
I think there is a cultural component to this anger expression business. I know I am freer to express my emotions back home in NYC than in nice little Canada. Don’t even mention Japan! As a result, I save my opinions for Americans and others I know can handle it. At least usually.
I also think we are too shiny and pretty, as you put it. Not that I would advocate flaming or other nastiness. There is a place for constructive disagreement. You, Tess, are certainly capable of that. I hope I am, as well. Sometimes we do seem to fawn and not add to the conversation. This may be because we have nothing as “profound” to add at the moment. For me, the comments can be the best part of my blog.
I may have mentioned this before, but I’m reading The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, by Sue Monk Kidd, and agree that within the church and at home in the American South, I was praised for being a good little girl and for never being any trouble. Like that’s good???????? It wasn’t until recently I questioned that and suppose like a good little girl I waited until my parents were gone to do this for myself.
So much of what’s in this book resonates with me, from what the author calls the paternal church, full of texts extolling the male and songs like “Faith of Our Fathers”. What about Faith of Our Mothers???? She says many of us in the western world and church have a wound from there being no feminine side of God for us to identify with. Hence, anger at the stifled left-out feeling that’s somewhere deep inside. Surely any God worthy of worship is an equality minded God of he-she-it nature.
Yes, some anger is good.
Thanks, Tess!
@Typhonic: welcome here and thanks for your comment. Separate words for anger – that’s a good concept. It’s strange that English is in many ways one of the most flexible of languages, but our shadings of meaning have to come in combinations of words, not in separate words. I like the way you separate the two kinds of anger in your final sentence.
@Barbara: yes absolutely cultural differences. In the UK we definitely bottle things up, although we are not quite as stiff upper lipped as we were. I completely agree with you re the comments. Sometimes in lieu of something “profound” (what a burden that is!!) I just want to say a quick “great post” but then I think that will sound trite…
@Barbara Anne: I LOVE Dissident Daughter. I think I probably read it about a year ago, and coincidentally I had it in my hands yesterday when rearranging some books. I may read it again. Have you read her novel, Secret Life of Bees?
Hi Tess,
How interesting that you’ve read Dissident Daughter. I’m beginning the 4th section and got it from the library but knew from about page 3 that I needed my own copy, to refer back to for myself, and for the daughters-in-law and granddaughters I may someday have.
I haven’t read Bees yet but plan to.
Hugs!
Dear Tess
Ahhhh yes anger, funny you should mention that. I’ve done a few posts on that lately so no, not shiny or pretty in blogworld all the time. In fact I had to go back and edit one post to avoid feeling more guilty than I already did [ok so a bit shiny and pretty then lol]. My blog has been less than positive of late and I admit to feeling a bit guilty about that, but it is real.
Funny also you should mention the Catholic Church [and its dysfunctionalism] and consider writing a post about why you’re still a Catholic as my last two posts were directly relevant to that very subject and I’ve just read the book “Why I Am Still A Catholic”.
Anger is not a sin, it is a God given emotion. I suppose if we express it unkindly or innappropriately then that could be viewed as a negative but on the whole it can be a very positive emotion. It’s a major part of my grief process just now as many of my family will testify ;o). If you don’t express it somehow it’ll only bubble over somewhere else.
Nice to see you back on here and great post. Hope you do decide to continue or I’ll miss you xx do understand tho’ that sometimes things just need to move on.
Great to finally meet you at TA the other week btw.
with much love
Sharon xx
i agree with rowena
blogland has become a bit too shiny
originally blogging was the domain of alternative thinkers
but there comes a point where the alernative thinking tribe starts exhibiting characeristics of the conservative powerholding status quo we all originally decried so vehemently
as james goldsmith once said, if you see a bandwagon, it’s too late
blogging has become mainstream
and as a result, is getting blander and shinier
perhaps that’s why many of us are feeling it might be time to let the bandwagon roll on without us . . .
i’m posting before reading the other comments…this really jumped out at me:
“Authenticity over Perfection. Perfection is so destructive, in my opinion.”
why not consider authenticity AS perfection??? it’s all about how we define things, is it not? if perfection is all squeaky clean then it is destructive, because life is MESSY! people get angry – righteously and not. although if the anger is covering up something else then it might be righteous after all. if a person kicks the dog because her boss kicked her because her spouse yelled at her because his father beat him because his mother berated him….do you see where i’m going? now, of course, this implies a certain amount of self and other awareness…but, hey, what if authenticity is perfection? now i have the cat stevens song in my head “if ya wanna sing out sing out!” i’ll stop now
i adore this blog, tess BECAUSE you make me think and get me fired up and challenge me…not because you’re all nice and sweet (which you are, of course), but you’re sassy too. please don’t go away. i will find you if you do!!!! much love.
I think blogging in general is too squeaky clean. The few times I have ever had the nerve to question a blogger or one of their commenters, I have been met with – I believe righteous indignation – would be the appropriate description. I was berated for disagreeing with the writer and coldly ignored by a commenter. Certainly the commenter had every right to ignore my questioning the blogger but my mere question or response seemed I had fired a bullet instead of asked a question. I would like to see more conversation between bloggers and commenters w/o lighting firebombs but engagement in different points of view. Oh well…..
AND, I would hate to see you disappear Tess. Your posts are inspiring, text and delivery!! …………..and you have some great readers too:))
@Sharon, thanks for your comment, and I had read your last couple of posts with great interest. I thought I’d commented on one, but obviously imagined it! It’s really interesting getting your perspective as a new Catholic, and I may well get the book you mention. And good to meet you the other day also, although my less than sophisticated greeting of “I thought you’d be blonder” is a sad example of how in real life my mouth often runs ahead of my brain!! It’s just that in your photos you look, er, blonder.
@Kel, the other pressure about blogging that I find (although I guess it’s self-imposed) is all the advice – often conflicting – about how to increase your readership. If I do anything, including blogging, I want to do it well, but I think consciously trying with blogs can lead to a feeling of slickness. Not that I’m trying to sell financial advice or anything!! I do think, though, that the exchange of ideas is still important, and perhaps blogging will become more divergent: the wholly commercial blogs and the “town square conversations” I wrote about in this post: http://www.anchormast.com/2009/02/08/reaching-out/
@lucy: I love the way you spot things I hadn’t. Authenticity is perfection indeed, in all its messiness. Or to put it another way: we’re all gloriously cracked, in every sense of the word! And as if I’d go somewhere else without telling you…
@SS: I think we need to welcome and encourage debate, but ignore deliberate rudeness. I’m pretty sure your comments would never fall into the latter category! As I said above in response to Barbara, I love the comments sections of all the blogs I read. And I completely agree I have some great readers
Lol @ blonder. In truth I am blonder but as the years go by I’ve been ‘dumbing’ it down a bit, also partly to cover a rather attractive badger like gray stripe that is slowly make it’s presence known right at the front of my hair. If I’m gonna do gray I’d rather just do it all at once, not stripe by stripe lol. I think you caught me on a ‘day after dumbing down’ day hehehe. As I don’t use anything permenant I’m now back to ‘blonder’ sadly with a hint of stripey……..
I don’t remember a comment but will check my spam just in case. xx
This whole issue of ‘shiny blogs’ and ‘healthy debate’ v’s ‘deliberate rudeness’ is very thought provoking. Certainly got my brain going the last couple of days or so……
with much love
S xx