At the beginning of the year I set one of those timer countdown applications on my Google home page, so that every time I logged in I would see how many days left in 2009.
I thought it would focus my attention, but it sent me into a flat spin of overwhelmed panic. And for me, panic equals paralysis. It equals playing computer games for hours, watching mindless television, sleeping too long, eating too much.
Yes, I have a long “to do” list, just like everyone else.
But it’s the “wanna do” list that’s my problem. Everything from getting a tattoo to saving the world, with lots of creative and learning projects along the way. All while living more simply and doing these things in the spirit of my word for 2009: heart. And the first two weeks of the year have gone already!
So I went out for a good long walk yesterday and it cleared my head a bit. I realise some of the things on my wanna do list may not be feasible, but others (and more) I really want to do. And I have a lot of questions percolating that need time and measured consideration.
What is clear is that I need to look at conserving both my time and mental energy.
So I’m going to be writing here less often – perhaps once or twice a week. I hope that what I write will be better for it. We’ll see.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in cyberspace:
I’ve enjoyed two quite different blog posts about aspects of control and how we see things, by Jules and Marisa.
And I found some really useful free online meditation timers here. Various time limits with a beautiful bell to mark the end of prayer or meditation, which you can download to your computer or iPod.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
molly 01.14.09 at 3:40 pm
Good luck with the pairing down…..
It is important
Barbara 01.15.09 at 12:41 am
Your “panic” bears an uncomfortable resemblance to my current funk. The older I get, it seems to get harder to juggle more than one thing at a time. It may be wisdom settling in to both of us. In the meantime, I celebrate every task I finally accomplish.
pam at beyondjustmom 01.15.09 at 2:43 am
I’m impressed with your sound decision and self control. I can totally relate to the “to dos”, the “wanna dos,” and paralysis playing games and pittering away. I’m completely hooked on this blogging thing for some reason, though, that it’s ridiculously high on my wanna dos.
Blessings to you in finding that balance. You’ll be missed!
Tess 01.15.09 at 6:58 pm
@Molly: thank you, it certainly feels important.
@Barbara: I like to think it’s wisdom… I find I get distracted so easily, chasing the next “shiny thing”.
@Pam: self control is not a word I usually associate with myself, but thank you! I love the blogging thing as well, and I’m getting into the whole Facebook/Twitter thing as well, and all the online connections and friendships. In fact I would actually like to add another blog to those I write, but if I do, I will definitely have to ration my writing for each one. Quality not quantity, methinks.
Elaine 01.15.09 at 7:25 pm
Very wise plan, Tess.
I confess to similar feelings and two alternating responses of paralysis and unfocused busyness with multiple projects.
I’ve picked a few key words/phrases for living consciously and healthfully in 2009. One is “the basics”. I’m trying to returning to the basics in different areas of my life, including food, the daily work I do, and relationships of the human-to-human variety.
Barbara Anne 01.16.09 at 4:53 am
Hi Tess,
I hear you! I’m reminded of that rhyme
“The world is full of such wonderful things,
I’m sure we should all be as happy as kings.”
For me, this plays out that there are too many wonderful or interesting or alluring or necessary or important choices that vie for my time and attention that I’m quite pulled to, as you said, paralysis. I go from one thing to another to another and feel like I accomplish far too little. I love to sew, but have been at a standstill for two months. Perhaps I’ll resolve to spend less time on-line, too. But that means my computer will have to move. Currently it’s a quarter turn of my chair from my sewing machine! Here-in may lie a goodly part of the problem.
Blessings as you seek balance and room in your life for the wannas!
Tess 01.16.09 at 3:46 pm
@Elaine: yes, I’m sensing that the human-to-human relationships are increasingly important. I LOVE these online contacts and friendships but I don’t currently do enough of the relaxing across a table with a glass of wine or whatever exchanging wisdom and/or gossip face-to-face.
@Barbara Anne: great rhyme! Yes I think physical layout of things is important. I eventually put an extra desk in my spare room (just an old kitchen work surface held up by two small filing cabinets). The room is much more cramped, but I can swizzle along to the non-computer desk and lay out artwork and things properly.
Endlessly Restless 01.17.09 at 10:55 am
Tess
I’ve just got around to reading this entry… because I’ve got so many other ‘want to’ and ‘need to’ things going on. It was a real comfort to read it, and know that I’m not alone. I don’t feel overwhelmed by it – with me it’s more a sense of frustration and (if I’m honest) irritability.
I was going to comment further, but I think I’ll do a little reflecting and maybe post some on my own blog.
Thanks for sharing your dilemma, it really helped me.
Tess 01.17.09 at 12:09 pm
@ER: I’m really pleased this helped. Yes, I can certainly identify with the frustration and irritability as well. One of the things I’d love to do is read more blog posts (including yours) more regularly and comment on them. There’s so much really excellent stuff out there, but it comes so fast!
yolanda 01.18.09 at 11:30 pm
I treasure whenever you post. I always enjoy your insights.
Sacred Suzie 01.20.09 at 2:16 pm
It’s always a good idea to retreat when overwhelmed. And getting outside for a walk is essential for our mental well being. When we are stuck in the same place with our gremlins yelling “shouldas” and “wouldas” at us, it’s hard not to feel bogged down. Whatever you need for clarify, go for it!
Windows? OMG, that’s right, we gotta clean windows don’t we? LOL
Tess 01.20.09 at 3:08 pm
Yolanda, Suzie, thanks for the votes of confidence!