I was encouraged to read in a news item today that more babies with Down Syndrome are being born now in Britain than they were before neo-natal screening was readily available.
The clear implication is that parents are choosing not to abort when screening indicates the likelihood of a baby with Down Syndrome. (I should perhaps say here that, with the heaviest of hearts, I am pro-choice. A discussion of that is not the point of this blog post.)
Regular readers will know that I had a brother with Down Syndrome, who died earlier this year. We were blessed as a family to have him with us, both because he was special and because he was no more or less special than you or I. The exuberance of his affection, his spontaneity and lack of self-consciousness, although sometimes embarrassing to us lesser mortals, were a joy to witness. And he was often stubborn, manipulative and a pain in the backside. He was a real person, not a caricature.
My point is that it seems the tide is turning. Parents know that bringing up a child with Down is a journey full of uncertainty and potential difficulty, but then so is bringing up any child. There are particular issues to be considered, particularly by parents who are relatively old when their baby with Down is born (and the majority are older parents). But there are options, and help available.
What this news story indicates to me is that more parents are taking an active choice to start on that journey, and in turn that perhaps we are becoming less concerned about so-called perfection, and more concerned with love. I hope so.
Addendum:
Re-reading this post a couple of hours after publishing it, I feel the need to acknowledge that fear of imperfection is of course not always or only the reason parents do not feel able to raise a child with Down Syndrome. I don’t want to minimise the very real pain of this difficult choice. I have known people who have terminated a Down’s pregnancy, and people who have given their child with Down for adoption. Both options are (in our country at least) their right, their decision and their private business.
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the title says it all – what is this thing we call perfection? i am all about changing old definitions and learning to accept what we are given rather than expecting something different!
sending you much love and warm wishes as you enter this first holiday season without philip
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I so agree with your feeling on this. I am sending you love and hugs this holiday season.
Lucy, thank you, and what a thoughtful comment about Philip.
Yolanda, thanks, hugs back.
Thank you for this post, Tess. As I know motherhood is likely to change my life in the near future (I am two years married and am starting to feel like it really is time…) I have all sorts of fears, acknowledged and otherwise, about what perfection means when it comes to having a child. Thanks for giving me another pebble of wisdom to place in my pocket as I walk down the path to giving life to another. Blessings, Marisa
Thanks Marisa. I’ve never had children – never felt it was right for me, and never regretted the decision (it’s now too late biologically).
But there was a time not too many years ago when I felt despair for this world and thought it was a terrible thing for anyone to bring a child into it. I still wonder what people with large families are doing, given population concerns.
What I’m leading up to saying, though, is that the world so needs parents such as I’m sure you and your husband will be: thoughtful, wise and loving. I’m sure you’ll know when the time is right.
What a thoughtful post. I really appreciate how you shared your personal view as pro-choice in such a respectful, open-minded way. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone could dialogue with such thoughtfulness?
Happy Thanksgiving.
Tess, I was really moved by your words. I love the reality of it, someone with Downs is a joy to behold and sometimes a pain in the butt. Ah, the grace of human relationship. I find that statistic very hopeful.
Tess, I can’t add much to the support that you’ve been offered here. Your words are sincere, heart-felt, and encompass so much of the doubt that I as a parent have felt over the years. Parenting is not an easy job and as a very young mother had no idea what I was getting in to. Because I was married when I first conceived and prior to all of the pre-birth testing, abortion never would have occurred to me then. But now, with all of the tests available and full disclosure of what a down syndrome child might mean to a couple, I can understand why they waver with what seems so natural – and that is to love the child in your womb.
Your portrayal and life with your brother is a blessing and a testament to God’s love given to you all in a package you weren’t expecting but one that you would never have considered returning.
Tess,
Having had my son Ethan at 42 I empathise totally with what you’ve so articulately written. I had to entertain some thought patterns during that pregnancy that I really wasn’t comfortable with.
May you feel God’s arms around you during the coming weeks as you face these first milestones without your brother. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Beautiful post xx.
pax
Sharon xx
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