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Sunday Collection: Anger
By Tess | May 11, 2008
Photograph by Kiwanja
There’s an Incredible Hulk in all of us. Our anger bursts out and transforms us. Sometimes it’s directed outwards, and we leave a trail of destruction in our wake as we storm along (turning green is optional!). Or it can be directed inwards, choking us on its ash.
For some personalities, anger lies behind much of who they are, for others it is less of a ruling force; but it affects all of us, along with its close cousins hatred, fear and contempt.
Sometimes anger comes with the word ‘righteous’ in front of it, and then we can move mountains and correct terrible injustices. But it can still tip over into destruction and blindness very easily.
I was put in mind of all this by two posts I read this week.
The first is by Towanda, who tells us of a frightening experience of being the object of sheer rage. Head over and read the entire post, but basically, Towanda was screamed and sworn at repeatedly by a woman wanting her to move her car. All this in front of a four-year-old child.
At the time, I made a slightly light-hearted comment, but I’ve been thinking since how often I’ve contained similar vitriol within me, without letting it spew out. There’s something about the unnaturalness of the lives we lead, and the pressures on us, that can make waiting more than a few seconds for a parking space seem unendurable.
So then I got to wondering how we can express anger without letting it destroy us or those about us. After all, as Emily Dickinson says:
Anger as soon as fed is dead;
’T is starving makes it fat.
And look, there on the horizon is Magpie Girl, flying to the rescue!
Her regular readers already know that la Magpie is an intelligent and magnificent Mama. Check out this post, for example. In this week’s A Shrine for Hard Feelings, she describes her daughter’s difficulties in coping with their recent move from the USA to Denmark, and the child’s helpless anger. Again, read the whole post, but meanwhile let me share a little of Magpie’s dialogue with her daughter:
“Did you know anger is a cover-up emotion? It covers up some other emotion. Something else is hiding under there.”
“It is?” (now backing down to mere sniffles)
“Yes. And I need you to think about it and tell me what it is that’s hiding under there.”
Now this is a question we could all ask ourselves when rage threatens to overcome us. What is it hiding?
Magpie gets her daughter to create a physical shrine in which she can write down and store the hard feelings. So the feelings are not denied, they are held and honoured, but their effect is not destructive.
I have to say, this idea, and her other link to the Anger Altar have given me some ideas for working with my own anger (oh dear, that phrase does sound like pop psychology, doesn’t it!).
So thanks to both Towanda and Magpie for making me think, and I’d like to share another poem which has something to tell us about anger:
I saw you once, Medusa; we were alone.
I looked you straight in the cold eye, cold.
I was not punished, was not turned to stone.
How to believe the legends I am told?…
I turned your face around! It is my face.
That frozen rage is what I must explore -
Oh secret, self-enclosed and ravaged place!
That is the gift I thank Medusa for.
May Sarton
And to end on a more light-hearted note (because laughter can also often help us release anger), here is a clip from Anger Management, starring the incomparable Jack Nicholson and the not-too-bad Adam Sandler:
Have a great week everyone, and a Happy Mother’s Day to all my American Mama friends. (We have our Mother’s Day earlier in the year in the UK.)
Topics: Collections, Video, Community and friends, Poetry |
May 11th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
I’m always reminded of the difference between being assertive, and being aggressive. The former expresses ones own needs, views and opinions giving regard for and valuing others, the latter just explodes and destroys people. We all feel anger, it’s how we express it that matters.
May 11th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Love that movie clip, Tess!!!!!
I remember once someone telling me that what I was expressing was rage. I had no idea. I was so disjointed from my emotions that I could not identify what they were. I still have difficulty with that, truth be told. Pointing it out and facing it, tamed it. Thank you for a very thoughtful post today.
May 11th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Oh Tess, you’ve done it again for me. Turned a “Duh” moment — actually a day-and-a-half of being very dense — into an “A-ha” moment. I read Rachelle’s Anger Altar post earlier this week, was impressed by it and made a comment on her site. But –”duh” — I didn’t apply the lesson to myself earlier this weekend. Instead I turned the anger inward, got into a downward spiral of self-pity and a few other negative emotions and then, in an attempt to purge myself of these feelings, started to vent verbally and quite inappropriately to a close friend — thinking if I did this I would feel better. Well I felt worse because I brought someone very dear to me down. So thanks for the knock on the head — sometimes I can be so dense. I’m going to create some sort of safe place for anger-venting.
I must confess, though, it is unlike me to become so angry over what was really just a disappointment and inconvenience. It makes me wonder — actually I think you’ve hit the nail on the head — are we pushed beyond our limits as we try to cope with basic activities of living. Some days life is just too fast, complex and impersonal, if not harsh, for me. (So then I go hide in my garden :-).
May 11th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Hi Tess
I really laughed at the movie clip (must watch that one some time) - because singing is one of the ways that I defuse my anger. Of course, you have to be careful about the songs that are in your head - especially in the office!
Having said that, I haven’t resorted to “I feel pretty” so far, but you never know…
Actually, I now try to use singing to avoid the angry stuff in the first place.
May 12th, 2008 at 3:50 am
I think that’s absolutely correct - it’s impossible to be angry without an underlying sense of threat. If one felt in no sense threatened, then what would there be to get so excited about?
May 12th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Andy: you’re absolutely right about assertiveness, and denying assertive behaviour can often lead on to aggression.
Barbara: this disjointed feeling is common in a lot of people. A disconnect. I might email you separately on this.
Elaine: you always make me feel good when you tell me I’ve helped. Thank you. And I don’t get the impression your garden is about hiding, I think it’s about healing.
ER: I look forward to hearing the strains of I feel pretty wafting south of the border!
Paul: thank you for your comment, and welcome to this space. Threat is a good word in this context.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Hey Tess!
Thanks for the link love!
Rachelle
May 12th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Rachelle, you’re very welcome!