I had one of those dreams last night that screams for attention:
I am in some kind of laboratory full of fish tanks. It is dark, night outside and inside.
I know I am responsible for maintaining this laboratory aquarium, the fishes’ lives measured out by the length of the glass restraining them. I cut the heads off living minnows and feed them to piranha as water swirls with blood. I pass tanks of placid fish surviving without joy in dirty water, barely moving. I feel remorse for my neglect.
I approach a bigger tank at the end of the room. In it I see a large, lithe and beautiful silvery blue fish. I see the glistening scales and hear the splash and thud as the tail breaks the surface, hits the top of the tank and drops awkwardly back into the water. The tank is too small, the fish cannot turn round. She fights desperately for space to move, and clean water to breathe, her strength is fading.
I know the fish is me, the tank is me, it is my fault that I have ignored the growing fish and now I don’t know how to free her, nor where to take her. She is so large and powerful I am afraid, but if I don’t do something, she will die.
Irridescent silver splash,
lithe body strains
against the glass,
her free life’s element
locked in cubic feet.
My words
Photograph by permission, Christine Valters Paintner
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
wow! there is much to ponder here. it surprised me how many biblical symbols popped out at me: the fish, blood, sacrifice, water. And, then the movement toward self blame: “it is my fault.” yet, i see much hope and life in this dream…movement toward life.
my morning reading today was about salmon (i believe that is one in the photo
)it speaks of how they move against the current at great odds to sustain their lives.
“the salmon offers us a way to face truth without shutting down. they show us how leaning into our experience, though we don’t like the hit, moves us on. Time and again, though we’d rather turn away, it is the impact of being revealed, through our willingness to be vulnerable, that enables us to experience both mystery and grace.” mark nepo
here’s to leaning into this dream and experiencing both mystery and grace.
sending love your way!
This is a very powerful dream Tess and I would agree that all of the parts are parts of you. But I also see the hope, the tank with the beautiful fish fighting against its limits — sounds like an invitation to go down to a watery place and let your fish swim free. What might she discover there?
Thank you both. Yes, it has given me a lot to think and feel about. And in these beautiful chilly autumn days it feels as if the answer is there. I’m sinking down into it.
Lucy, I hadn’t thought what type of fish, and in fact Christine’s photograph is of a koi. But salmon fits perfectly – that leaping determination.