Control Freak?

Last Sunday, the monk/priest celebrating Mass gave a characteristically thoughtful and warm sermon which I’ve been reflecting on all week.

Actually, to be honest, I’ve forgotten most of the sermon; I’ve been thinking about the story he told at the end to illustrate it. (Christ knew what He was doing when He spoke in parables.) Brother John told us how as a young monk, he found himself sitting next to an elderly nun at community recreation time, when conversation is not only permitted but expected. This nun suffered from Alzheimer’s disease, which made communication difficult and unpredictable. And Brother John tends towards shyness. So they sat next to each other in silence while others around them chatted happily. The silence continued, John feeling increasingly awkward, and with no idea how to break it. After several excruciating minutes, the nun turned to him and said “You really don’t have any idea what’s going on, do you?”

And John was utterly relieved. No, in the largest sense he didn’t have any idea what was going on, and still doesn’t. He asked whether any of us really have any idea what’s going on. The illusion of control is just that, illusion. And giving up the illusion of control can lead to enormous freedom.

Now that’s a very challenging concept indeed to us in the modern world. What does it mean? Should we stop making plans and allow life just to happen to us? Should we give up making payments into our pensions or for our children’s education?

One of my income streams comes from occasional life coaching, and it’s an integral part of coaching practice to help clients set and achieve goals. Inevitably, these goals expect more control from clients.

The current trend towards “Cosmic Ordering” and the practice Wendy talks about of setting intent both as far as I can work out rely on an individual’s attempts to control the cosmos.

I believe we mostly attempt to control our lives out of fear of what might happen. I think we should be reasonably prudent (the pension plan), and that we should engage in activities that bring us joy and explore our giftedness (ideally by setting the right goals). And I’m under no romantic illusions that grinding poverty is anything but grinding.

But I think the extent of our expectation to control ourselves and our lives has become unhealthy. Whatever God we believe in, we should give ourselves permission to allow space in God and in life for the unexpected. The notion that we can have absolute control is a burden. If we can lay it down, we will find a greater measure of joy.